Thursday, December 5, 2013
Sunday, May 19, 2013
she's almost here!
sheesh. i didn't realize, until now, that it's been since february that i blogged.
i guess that just how it goes sometimes. i really feel like this blog is more like an online journal, mostly for myself. and although there have been some journal worthy stuff going on the past few months, i just haven't gotten around to writing it down. oh well.
and since i'm having a baby in 2 weeks, it's probably only going to get worse. but, at least i'll have her room documented! =)
that's pretty much what i've been focused on lately, when it comes to baby. her nursery. as some of you know, i really like to decorate. i like to pull things together over time, and not rush. so, we've been slowly working for the past couple of months. the room that is now the nursery used to be our office/my craft room. a wall of books and tons of stuff. it was the room that we always closed the door to when we had people over. the "catch all" room.
below is the only "before" picture i can find. it doesn't look too bad here, but right before we moved everything out, it was bad. there was hardly any floor space. 3 years ago when we moved in, the paneling wasn't painted. just brown wood. but, it's really nice paneling. and even though it took a coat of primer and 2 coats of paint, i knew i wanted it painted. And i knew that i had to choose a color that could someday work as a 2nd nursery. we didn't want to have to paint it again, so we went with this green, about 3 years ago.
i made the bunting over the door right after we found we were having another girl. i have so much scrap fabric, and just cut up a bunch and put it all together. turned out pretty cute!
i took the closet doors off and hung curtains. we have curtains over C's closet, and i've always loved the easy, wide open access. i hate those old sliding doors. and since our house is really old, we would have to have bi-fold doors custom made. so, curtains are a cheap easy fix.
the katie daisy print above is where i kind of started when it came to the colors for the room. i fell in love with the print and just went from there. green, pink, yellow, blue, aqua. i have a few of her prints around the house, so i knew baby girl #2 needed one too.
the bookshelf and the lamp are new from Target. i couldn't pass up the lamp. it matches the katie daisy print so perfectly.
and the little willow tree statue was a mother's day gift this year. i only have 1 other willow tree, and it's in C's room. shaun gave it to me when she was about 1 and we've always said it was C and mommy. now baby girl #2 has one too.
i made the mobile out of scrap book paper and an embroidery hoop. i bought a scalloped hole punch and used double sided paper. once i had them laid out, i just sewed them together. easy. and only about $5.
i made her name banner too. i just printed and cut out all the letters, then ironed fabric on to card stock using heat 'n bond. i wish now that i had used something heavier than just card stock, because some of the letters are kind of starting to curl. but, i had all the supplies on hand, so it was free. i did buy the knobs it's hanging on. they are drawer knobs from hobby lobby. since we have wood walls, shaun just screwed them into the paneling. a little fancier than nails.
i guess that just how it goes sometimes. i really feel like this blog is more like an online journal, mostly for myself. and although there have been some journal worthy stuff going on the past few months, i just haven't gotten around to writing it down. oh well.
and since i'm having a baby in 2 weeks, it's probably only going to get worse. but, at least i'll have her room documented! =)
that's pretty much what i've been focused on lately, when it comes to baby. her nursery. as some of you know, i really like to decorate. i like to pull things together over time, and not rush. so, we've been slowly working for the past couple of months. the room that is now the nursery used to be our office/my craft room. a wall of books and tons of stuff. it was the room that we always closed the door to when we had people over. the "catch all" room.
below is the only "before" picture i can find. it doesn't look too bad here, but right before we moved everything out, it was bad. there was hardly any floor space. 3 years ago when we moved in, the paneling wasn't painted. just brown wood. but, it's really nice paneling. and even though it took a coat of primer and 2 coats of paint, i knew i wanted it painted. And i knew that i had to choose a color that could someday work as a 2nd nursery. we didn't want to have to paint it again, so we went with this green, about 3 years ago.
so, here you go. the nursery now!!!
i made or painted a lot of the stuff in here. i really like reusing old
stuff and giving it new life. most of the frames on her wall are
thrift finds. so is her end table and lamp. $5 for the end table, that
shaun had to fix and then i painted. $2 for the lamp. the pink mirror was find from my grandmother's house. it's crazy old. probably around 75 years. the actual mirror isn't in the best shape anymore, but it still works. and it's big and sturdy and free. ;)
i made the blanket and the pillow in the chair. i've made a ton of these blankets for friends in the past. i started sewing when C was about 1 1/2, so it was past the point of making her a baby blanket. so, i was excited to finally make one for my own baby.
shaun and i made the window valance together. i love the fabric. i
originally wanted it to be used for the crib skirt, but couldn't find
enough of it. so, i made the pillow, used it for some squares in her
quilt, and then the valance. love how it turned out.
i made the bunting over the door right after we found we were having another girl. i have so much scrap fabric, and just cut up a bunch and put it all together. turned out pretty cute!
i took the closet doors off and hung curtains. we have curtains over C's closet, and i've always loved the easy, wide open access. i hate those old sliding doors. and since our house is really old, we would have to have bi-fold doors custom made. so, curtains are a cheap easy fix.
the katie daisy print above is where i kind of started when it came to the colors for the room. i fell in love with the print and just went from there. green, pink, yellow, blue, aqua. i have a few of her prints around the house, so i knew baby girl #2 needed one too.
the bookshelf and the lamp are new from Target. i couldn't pass up the lamp. it matches the katie daisy print so perfectly.
and the little willow tree statue was a mother's day gift this year. i only have 1 other willow tree, and it's in C's room. shaun gave it to me when she was about 1 and we've always said it was C and mommy. now baby girl #2 has one too.
i made the mobile out of scrap book paper and an embroidery hoop. i bought a scalloped hole punch and used double sided paper. once i had them laid out, i just sewed them together. easy. and only about $5.
i made her name banner too. i just printed and cut out all the letters, then ironed fabric on to card stock using heat 'n bond. i wish now that i had used something heavier than just card stock, because some of the letters are kind of starting to curl. but, i had all the supplies on hand, so it was free. i did buy the knobs it's hanging on. they are drawer knobs from hobby lobby. since we have wood walls, shaun just screwed them into the paneling. a little fancier than nails.
the crib skirt was made by my friend kari. she makes awesome baby bedding, but i pretty much just used C's old bedding. i didn't have a crib skirt though. so, kari came to the rescue! it's kind of hard to see in this picture, but it's the same fabric in the frame on the shelf about the crib. kari gave me all of the leftover scraps, and so i framed some, until i have a good picture to put in there.
the quilt hanging over the crib was the one i finally finished back in march. i never blogged about it, but i did put it on instagram a few times.
the back of the quilt is the same yellow and white polka dot that's the border. not perfect, but i'm pretty proud of my first quilt.
so, there you have it. i love it. i go in every day and just look around, or sit in the chair. just thinking about her. thinking if i need to change something. just enjoying it
and as you've probably noticed, her name in June. Audrey June Cook to be exact. baby june, june bug, juney. we talk and think about her all the time. we've had her named for a while, but i liked not announcing it just yet. a lot of people know, but i guess this is the "official" announcement. =)
i think we are ready! her room is decorated, we have lots of diapers and wipes, and everything is clean. i think the only thing left to do is pack my hospital bag!
we love you baby juney. your big sister talks about you everyday, wondering how you're doing. she can't wait to see you and hold you and help mommy when it comes to taking care of you. daddy and i are pretty excited too. we feel so blessed to have another little princess to take care of.
stay cozy and safe in there for a couple more weeks. we'll hug and kiss you soon!!!
Monday, February 11, 2013
moments to remember
i feel like i have already started the "nesting" portion of this pregnancy. is that possible at 24 weeks? well, maybe not full blown nesting, but i'm definitely thinking a lot of this baby and trying to get things ready for her. i'm a slow and steady kind of prepper. i don't like last minute stuff. i hate feeling rushed. so, i start now. so i can take my time. i'm weird...
but, in the midst of getting ready for baby girl #2, i want to remember special moments with C. the just of the 2 of us moments. i am so thankful for these past 3 years of just her. and while we are all super excited to give her a little sister, i also want to remember the moments when it was just her.
this past friday night we made plans to go to a basketball game at daddy's school. C loves going up to shaun's school. the excitement of cheerleaders and all the older kids just gets her giddy. but, when daddy came home from school he went straight to bed. sick. achy and tired and just not feeling good. so, when C woke up from her nap ready to go to daddy's school, i knew i would have to think of something else special for us to do. so, i gave her two choices. go to the bookstore (joseph beth for you locals) or make heart shaped cookies. she barely had to think about it. make heart shape cookies. we kind of love to bake together.
so, we pulled a chair over for her and got to mixing. she knows how to lock and start the mixer. and even though i let her put everything in every time, she still asks. "can i pour that in?" she asks what everything is and always says "mmm. i like better the best. it smells good." hahaha! my little baker. i love that we can do this together.
very focused with the cookie cutter. i love how she's holding her left hand in this second picture.
we have lots of moments like this. she always wants to help and be my little shadow. but especially, right now, i want to remember and cherish these moments even more. not much longer will we be a family of 3. and i get a little sad about that. but, i know things will only get better. the end of one chapter and on to another!
have a good monday friends!
but, in the midst of getting ready for baby girl #2, i want to remember special moments with C. the just of the 2 of us moments. i am so thankful for these past 3 years of just her. and while we are all super excited to give her a little sister, i also want to remember the moments when it was just her.
this past friday night we made plans to go to a basketball game at daddy's school. C loves going up to shaun's school. the excitement of cheerleaders and all the older kids just gets her giddy. but, when daddy came home from school he went straight to bed. sick. achy and tired and just not feeling good. so, when C woke up from her nap ready to go to daddy's school, i knew i would have to think of something else special for us to do. so, i gave her two choices. go to the bookstore (joseph beth for you locals) or make heart shaped cookies. she barely had to think about it. make heart shape cookies. we kind of love to bake together.
so, we pulled a chair over for her and got to mixing. she knows how to lock and start the mixer. and even though i let her put everything in every time, she still asks. "can i pour that in?" she asks what everything is and always says "mmm. i like better the best. it smells good." hahaha! my little baker. i love that we can do this together.
very focused with the cookie cutter. i love how she's holding her left hand in this second picture.
after the cookies came out of the oven and cooled, we made icing. it was just plain vanilla icing that we made pink. she loved watching the icing turn from white to pink with one drop of red food coloring! the little things.... =)
time to decorate!!
did you notice her design choice? i just let her do whatever she wanted. and in the end, every cookie had red sprinkles and 3 red hots on one side. i'm not sure why, but this really impressed me.
the finished product!
and sharing with a tired daddy. we decided we were making the cookies to make daddy feel better. i think it worked. after lots of rest and lots of cookies, daddy was good by sunday. =)
have a good monday friends!
Monday, January 21, 2013
it'a a girl!
i know that isn't new news, but i can't tell you how amazing it was to have the ultrasound tech tell us that!
you see, i knew. i know, i know. you're probably thinking, "you had a 50/50 chance jade...". and yes, you're right, but it was more than that. things have happened over the last couple of weeks. and the day before the ultrasound i told shaun that i would be surprised if we weren't having a girl...
i always wanted a sister. yes, i have a little brother that i adore and would never ever replace. but a sister in the mix would have been fun too. i have a theory about how i'm not a very good "girlfriend" (as in, girl and girl friendships) because i don't have a sister. you know what i'm talking about? the girls that are the best girlfriends have sisters. right? well, not always of course, but that's the excuse i'm using for being a lousy girlfriend...
so, as i was saying, the idea of C having a sister has always been a strong desire of mine. of course, with how long it took for us to get pregnant this time, i would have loved a boy or a girl. but, as the time got closer to finding out, i kept wondering if sisters would be in our future.
a week before the ultrasound, C and i were admiring a beautiful sunset, when i looked up and saw a big pink cloud over our house. the first thing i thought was, girl! i yelled to shaun, "babe, there's a huge pink cloud over our house! do you think this means we're having a girl?!?" we tried to grab a picture, but missed it. he thought i was crazy...
the next monday night i had a dream. we were at the doctors office finding out the sex and they told us it was a girl. i remember in my dream, saying "i get to have sisters!" i had a gender dream about C, in the very beginning. we didn't find out with her, but i remember journaling in the very beginning that she was a girl.
the day before the ultrasound i read the scripture on my desk calendar at work. Jan 17th - Your workmanship is marvelous - and how well i know it. you were there while i was being formed in utter seclusion! ~ Psalm 139:14,15. what a beautiful reminder of how He forms us in our mother's womb. i had been thinking about our baby so much lately. excited that we were about to see her and find out the sex, but also nervous. if there was something wrong, this ultrasound would be where we found out.
since i don't work on fridays, i flipped to the next day to see what it would say on the day of our ultrasound. Jan 18th - she lives. she loves. she laughs. she makes every day a celebration of who she is in Christ. i knew it! i just knew that this day would say something about "she". something about a girl. the first line got me. she lives. this is the point i emailed shaun. i sent him both days and said "i'm going to be shocked if we aren't having a girl!"
ultrasound on friday revealed right away. GIRL. i knew it. i said the line from my dream. "i get to have sisters!"
as shaun and i were leaving the doctor, i couldn't stop smiling. i was of course excited about another healthy baby girl, but almost more excited about how God had been revealing things to me lately. i know that for some, that probably sounds weird. all of these things could be coincidental. but i really believe that God hears us. he listens. he cares about the little things that to others may seem insignificant. and he knows the desires of our hearts. things won't always go our way, but i feel like in this situation, it was a sweet reminder of what a sweet God we have.
so....
onto planning for baby girl #2! sometimes i don't know how i waited to find out with C...
i've started planning the nursery a little bit. starting with this...
i'm obsessed with katie daisy. C has a couple of prints in her room and bathroom. i got one for my bro and sis-in-law for christmas. the hubs got me one for christmas. so, it only made since that i got baby girl #2 one too! isn't this the sweetest? love the colors. love the line from alice and wonderland. love it all. so, it's my starting point.
today i went and bought some new fabric. can't wait to get started!!!
and, just because i'm way excited, and i couldn't do this with C (since we didn't know early that she was a girl), i'm also getting these...
is that bow not the sweetest thing you've ever seen? well, besides that little babe it's on...;)
and once she's born, we've already decided she's going to need this in her room...
"sweet baby girl" love it! can't wait to meet her!
off to pin more to my nursery board!!
katie daisy print here; fabric from JoAnn's; baby felt bow here; baby hat here; birth announcement subway art here
you see, i knew. i know, i know. you're probably thinking, "you had a 50/50 chance jade...". and yes, you're right, but it was more than that. things have happened over the last couple of weeks. and the day before the ultrasound i told shaun that i would be surprised if we weren't having a girl...
i always wanted a sister. yes, i have a little brother that i adore and would never ever replace. but a sister in the mix would have been fun too. i have a theory about how i'm not a very good "girlfriend" (as in, girl and girl friendships) because i don't have a sister. you know what i'm talking about? the girls that are the best girlfriends have sisters. right? well, not always of course, but that's the excuse i'm using for being a lousy girlfriend...
so, as i was saying, the idea of C having a sister has always been a strong desire of mine. of course, with how long it took for us to get pregnant this time, i would have loved a boy or a girl. but, as the time got closer to finding out, i kept wondering if sisters would be in our future.
a week before the ultrasound, C and i were admiring a beautiful sunset, when i looked up and saw a big pink cloud over our house. the first thing i thought was, girl! i yelled to shaun, "babe, there's a huge pink cloud over our house! do you think this means we're having a girl?!?" we tried to grab a picture, but missed it. he thought i was crazy...
the next monday night i had a dream. we were at the doctors office finding out the sex and they told us it was a girl. i remember in my dream, saying "i get to have sisters!" i had a gender dream about C, in the very beginning. we didn't find out with her, but i remember journaling in the very beginning that she was a girl.
the day before the ultrasound i read the scripture on my desk calendar at work. Jan 17th - Your workmanship is marvelous - and how well i know it. you were there while i was being formed in utter seclusion! ~ Psalm 139:14,15. what a beautiful reminder of how He forms us in our mother's womb. i had been thinking about our baby so much lately. excited that we were about to see her and find out the sex, but also nervous. if there was something wrong, this ultrasound would be where we found out.
since i don't work on fridays, i flipped to the next day to see what it would say on the day of our ultrasound. Jan 18th - she lives. she loves. she laughs. she makes every day a celebration of who she is in Christ. i knew it! i just knew that this day would say something about "she". something about a girl. the first line got me. she lives. this is the point i emailed shaun. i sent him both days and said "i'm going to be shocked if we aren't having a girl!"
ultrasound on friday revealed right away. GIRL. i knew it. i said the line from my dream. "i get to have sisters!"
as shaun and i were leaving the doctor, i couldn't stop smiling. i was of course excited about another healthy baby girl, but almost more excited about how God had been revealing things to me lately. i know that for some, that probably sounds weird. all of these things could be coincidental. but i really believe that God hears us. he listens. he cares about the little things that to others may seem insignificant. and he knows the desires of our hearts. things won't always go our way, but i feel like in this situation, it was a sweet reminder of what a sweet God we have.
so....
onto planning for baby girl #2! sometimes i don't know how i waited to find out with C...
i've started planning the nursery a little bit. starting with this...
i'm obsessed with katie daisy. C has a couple of prints in her room and bathroom. i got one for my bro and sis-in-law for christmas. the hubs got me one for christmas. so, it only made since that i got baby girl #2 one too! isn't this the sweetest? love the colors. love the line from alice and wonderland. love it all. so, it's my starting point.
today i went and bought some new fabric. can't wait to get started!!!
and, just because i'm way excited, and i couldn't do this with C (since we didn't know early that she was a girl), i'm also getting these...
and once she's born, we've already decided she's going to need this in her room...
"sweet baby girl" love it! can't wait to meet her!
off to pin more to my nursery board!!
katie daisy print here; fabric from JoAnn's; baby felt bow here; baby hat here; birth announcement subway art here
Saturday, January 19, 2013
instagrams
first, i want to say thank you for the way so many of you responded to my last blog post. i appreciate so many of you offering up prayers for our little family. and i'm praying for you all too. this is such a hard topic. thank you for sharing back with me.
i love instagram. i just do. the hubs keeps trying to get me into twitter, but i love pictures. that's why instagram is so perfect. plus, any picture can look so much better through it filters. just so fun!
ok - i missed instaFriday, but here is my week in instagrams....
on saturday night, shaun and i went on a date so i painted my nails. dinner and a movie. the hobbit. have you seen it? i'm kind of a lord of the rings nerd. love the movies. shaun, not so much. he said he almost fell asleep like 20 times! WHAT?!? oh well...
i instagrammed the blog i wrote later that night. again, thank you for all the sweet comments and messages. it was one of the hardest blogs i've written, but one of my favorites too.
my cutie enjoying a cutie. not very exciting, but as she was working on it, i just kept thinking of the cutie commercials. "cuties are for kid!" they sure are. mommy's and daddy's too.
when shaun and i went to the doctor yesterday, we left C at my mom's house to nap. i told her that when she woke up, mommy and daddy would be back and have either a pink or blue surprise for her. if we brought her a blue surprise, she was having a little brother. if we brought her a pink surprise, it was a little sister. she was a little overwhelmed, and a little confused why the baby was still in my belly, but she was pretty excited too!
i love instagram. i just do. the hubs keeps trying to get me into twitter, but i love pictures. that's why instagram is so perfect. plus, any picture can look so much better through it filters. just so fun!
ok - i missed instaFriday, but here is my week in instagrams....
on saturday night, shaun and i went on a date so i painted my nails. dinner and a movie. the hobbit. have you seen it? i'm kind of a lord of the rings nerd. love the movies. shaun, not so much. he said he almost fell asleep like 20 times! WHAT?!? oh well...
on sunday, i made pam's cheesecake. i have no idea who pam is, but kimberlee makes this at every Craft Weekend. meg and kimberlee kept posting pictures on instagram of the current CW, and it made me miss being there almost a year ago. so, i made pam's cheesecake. so creamy, so good! the hubs feel more in love with me that day. ;)
monday ballet/tap class. we grabbed some dinner afterwards then came home for a little ice cream. sounds like a good monday routine to me!
wednesday afternoon, C and i stopped by our local ReStore. i'm on the hunt for a low bookshelf for the next nursery. didn't find what i went looking for, but happened upon a matching pair of yellow bedside lamps for $5 a piece. i couldn't pass them up! i've been looking for new lamps for our nightstands for over a year, but i couldn't find the right pair. or, they were all too expensive. i hit the jackpot with these!!
my cutie enjoying a cutie. not very exciting, but as she was working on it, i just kept thinking of the cutie commercials. "cuties are for kid!" they sure are. mommy's and daddy's too.
such a colorful little girl. i wish i could dress like her most days. she loves skirts over pants and picked out her own outfit yesterday. i love that she wanted to wear her Big Sister shirt on the day we were going to find out if baby #2 was going to be a boy or a girl. and we saw the sun yesterday for the first time in awhile too. i just had to snap a few pictures of her out in the sunshine.
pink flowers, pink balloons and a new pink "dee-doe". (that's the sock monkey. she has a couple others and names them all dee-doe. don't ask me...?) she can't stop talking about her little sister. that's what she wanted. she knew. i did too. my next blog will be how i knew. so many wonderful gifts from God lately. this little lady inside me is teaching me so much about hearing God's voice. i want to make sure i record it all so we never forget.
hope you all had a great week! it was big week here at the cook house. now, on to a happy weekend!
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
your story...
...the beginning.
i've told this story to a few people, and everyone that hears it quickly responds with how i need to journal it all. and i totally agree. i don't want to forget the details. i don't want to forget how i felt. and i want to make sure you know your story too. and how you were destined by God at just the right time.
this will be a wordy post. mostly for our family to look back on some day. but i hope it can bring encouragement and hope to you too.
in august 2011 we found out i was pregnant. we were excited, but surprised because we weren't really "trying". it was a month before C turned 2, and that was our goal date of trying for baby #2. i took the test on a saturday morning. by saturday night i had started spotting. worried and afraid, we prayed. and prayed. on monday i went to the dr. and had blood work done. we had to wait until wednesday for more blood work to show if my hormone levels had gone up. if they had doubled, the spotting was nothing to worry about. if they didn't, i was miscarrying. they went up by 9. by the weekend, i was loosing the baby. my heart was broken.
i prayed for understanding and found comfort in knowing that God has a reason for everything. i didn't know why this had happened, but i knew God did. i was comforted by a Psalm 18:1-3 "I love you, O Lord, my strength. The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn or my salvation, my stronghold. I call to the Lord, who is worthy of praise and I am saved from my enemies."
in september we celebrated C's 2nd birthday, then my 30th, and decided that we were ready to start really trying for #2. then october. then november. then december. then january. and so it went until may. i was drained. i couldn't do it anymore. i needed a break, and the summer seemed like the right time. so i started taking birth control again. to some, that probably sounds weird. but i needed a mental break, and this was the only way i knew. we prayed through it and felt confident that this was the right decision for all of us. for our marriage and for our family. in august, i stopped taking birth control. then, another month passed. and i still wasn't pregnant....
i was so drained.... i know that for a lot of people, getting pregnant isn't easy. but for me, it had been. we got pregnant with C the first month we tried. and the 2nd pregnancy just happened. so why was it taking so long when i was ready? when it was something i thought about non-stop? when my desire was so strong?
it hit me one day during a staff meeting. we were asked what we could pray for each other about. and for some reason, when it was asked this week, i knew exactly what i needed to ask for. the one thing i wanted so badly, and the one thing i hadn't asked ANYONE to pray for. why had i done that? why was i taking the burden all on my own? was i too good to ask for prayer? did i think it wouldn't help? was getting pregnant something i had control over? was i ashamed that it was taking so long? i'm honestly not 100% sure. very few people knew about the miscarriage, so i think part of asking stemmed from that. i didn't want to go into it all. i didn't want to start crying. i felt like it was something between only me and shaun. he and i prayed about it a lot. wasn't that enough?
it wasn't. so i told the whole story. i cried and people understood. i asked for healing from the miscarriage, and i asked for prayer to get pregnant. point blank. i want another baby. i want to be pregnant. please, pray for me.
it was humbling. and God was unfolding his truth to me. he was showing me that relying on myself, even for a private matter like this, was not the answer. He was the only answer. and being proud was not of Him.
on september 19th, our staff went on a day retreat. it was a day of renewal and prayer. and, as it had been for the past 12 months, my heart was heavy with the desire to be pregnant. we were given instructions throughout the morning of different ways to pray. during the first prayer time i was led to a verse in Acts. Acts 1:7 "It is not for you to know the times or dates that the Fathers has set by his own authority." that was a verse i needed to hear. God has perfect timing. he has control and i don't always need to know the timeline. during another hour of alone time, i found a bench, away from everyone, and just laid down. and prayed. prayed for the plans he has for me and my family and our lives. and then i just asked. out loud. i just said it. "lord, i want to be pregnant. please, let me get pregnant." and in that moment, for the first time i can ever remember, i heard him say, "you are." uh, it brings tears to my eyes just to type that. i was stunned. i might have even looked around. but i was at peace.
shortly after, i heard co-workers walking by. i knew cindy and jewellan had been down at the pond near by, but it was so perfectly quiet, i had forgotten. they quietly walked by, and then we all met back up for lunch.
at the end of the retreat, i had to leave about 20 min. before it was over. we were in the middle of a prayer session, but i had to drive back to lexington to get C from school. i didn't get to say goodbye to anyone, but also knew that my afternoon was a little "different", so i was ok with keeping quiet. i was thinking about Acts 1:7. it is not for me to know. but i was also clinging to those 2 little words. "you are". they kept ringing over and over in my head. "i am?"
that night cindy sent me a text asking how my days was? and then she dropped the bomb. "you are going to get pregnant soon. i sensed that today!!" WHAT?? are you kidding me? i believed her. i really did. but at the same time, i was afraid to walk down that path. i have had 12 months of heart break. 12 months of negative tests. 12 months of getting my hopes up, only to be disappointed. i didn't want to go there again...
i told shaun about my day, what God had had said to me, and that was it. only him. he already knew i was crazy...;)
a few days later i went to the doctor. i already had an appointment scheduled, since it had been a year since the miscarriage, and we talked about they "next steps". a year is usually the point where your doctor starts talking about tests. tests about your fertility. tests about your partners fertility. the possibly of this or that. basically, i left the appointment totally discouraged. sad that we had to start walking down that path. and not ready. i remember one night, sitting in my neighbors car for an hour, crying, and telling her everything that had been going on for the past year. once i left and came home, shaun was sitting on the back porch and the tears came again. "what do we do? do we have these tests run? do we wait another month? i just wish i was already pregnant so that we didn't even have to walk do this road..."
well....
on oct. 1st i took a test. and it was positive. and i was pregnant. I WAS PREGNANT!! I WAS PREGNANT!! oh. my. gosh. i really heard god. GOD! and cindy was right. whoa. i'm a little stunned, and over the moon, and scarred.
what if i have another miscarriage? what if i lose this baby too?
on my desk calendar, the verse for oct. 1st was Psalm 85:1 "Lord, you have poured out amazing blessings!"
once again, i asked for prayer. i let my closest friends know and asked for lots of prayer during blood work and doctors appointments.
i also shared with a few people how i heard from God the day of our retreat. when i told cindy, she asked where i was when i heard him. when i told her, she in turn told me that she saw me laying on that bench and thats when she heard God tell her that i would be pregnant soon. isn't that amazing? God is amazing. He hears us and He speaks to us. and He spoke to cindy and i at the same time! wow. that still shocks me today.
well, as you may know, for our christmas cards this year, we got to include this picture announcing that C was going to be a big sister!
we are beyond blessed right now. we find out in 2 days if you are a boy or a girl, and your big sister asks about "her baby" everyday.
there are so many times i didn't understand why God had us wait so long for you. but i know now that He had some other plans for us. your daddy and i grew closer during this time that any other year in our marriage. your big sister grew up, and transitioned into a big girl, or "big sister" role. mommy started a part-time job so that i would have more time with you and your sister, once you came. daddy started a new job closer to home. and mommy learned that nothing can be done without Christ. that no matter how much you long for something, God has the complete control. and when i learned that asking for help wasn't a bad thing, and not having control was the best for everyone, i found peace. and then, i found out about you. my sweet little one. i can feel you moving around inside of me as i finish this up. you, little one, are a gift from God. just like your sweet sister and loving daddy are.
you are a miracle little one. and we can't wait to meet you.
i've told this story to a few people, and everyone that hears it quickly responds with how i need to journal it all. and i totally agree. i don't want to forget the details. i don't want to forget how i felt. and i want to make sure you know your story too. and how you were destined by God at just the right time.
this will be a wordy post. mostly for our family to look back on some day. but i hope it can bring encouragement and hope to you too.
in august 2011 we found out i was pregnant. we were excited, but surprised because we weren't really "trying". it was a month before C turned 2, and that was our goal date of trying for baby #2. i took the test on a saturday morning. by saturday night i had started spotting. worried and afraid, we prayed. and prayed. on monday i went to the dr. and had blood work done. we had to wait until wednesday for more blood work to show if my hormone levels had gone up. if they had doubled, the spotting was nothing to worry about. if they didn't, i was miscarrying. they went up by 9. by the weekend, i was loosing the baby. my heart was broken.
i prayed for understanding and found comfort in knowing that God has a reason for everything. i didn't know why this had happened, but i knew God did. i was comforted by a Psalm 18:1-3 "I love you, O Lord, my strength. The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn or my salvation, my stronghold. I call to the Lord, who is worthy of praise and I am saved from my enemies."
in september we celebrated C's 2nd birthday, then my 30th, and decided that we were ready to start really trying for #2. then october. then november. then december. then january. and so it went until may. i was drained. i couldn't do it anymore. i needed a break, and the summer seemed like the right time. so i started taking birth control again. to some, that probably sounds weird. but i needed a mental break, and this was the only way i knew. we prayed through it and felt confident that this was the right decision for all of us. for our marriage and for our family. in august, i stopped taking birth control. then, another month passed. and i still wasn't pregnant....
i was so drained.... i know that for a lot of people, getting pregnant isn't easy. but for me, it had been. we got pregnant with C the first month we tried. and the 2nd pregnancy just happened. so why was it taking so long when i was ready? when it was something i thought about non-stop? when my desire was so strong?
it hit me one day during a staff meeting. we were asked what we could pray for each other about. and for some reason, when it was asked this week, i knew exactly what i needed to ask for. the one thing i wanted so badly, and the one thing i hadn't asked ANYONE to pray for. why had i done that? why was i taking the burden all on my own? was i too good to ask for prayer? did i think it wouldn't help? was getting pregnant something i had control over? was i ashamed that it was taking so long? i'm honestly not 100% sure. very few people knew about the miscarriage, so i think part of asking stemmed from that. i didn't want to go into it all. i didn't want to start crying. i felt like it was something between only me and shaun. he and i prayed about it a lot. wasn't that enough?
it wasn't. so i told the whole story. i cried and people understood. i asked for healing from the miscarriage, and i asked for prayer to get pregnant. point blank. i want another baby. i want to be pregnant. please, pray for me.
it was humbling. and God was unfolding his truth to me. he was showing me that relying on myself, even for a private matter like this, was not the answer. He was the only answer. and being proud was not of Him.
on september 19th, our staff went on a day retreat. it was a day of renewal and prayer. and, as it had been for the past 12 months, my heart was heavy with the desire to be pregnant. we were given instructions throughout the morning of different ways to pray. during the first prayer time i was led to a verse in Acts. Acts 1:7 "It is not for you to know the times or dates that the Fathers has set by his own authority." that was a verse i needed to hear. God has perfect timing. he has control and i don't always need to know the timeline. during another hour of alone time, i found a bench, away from everyone, and just laid down. and prayed. prayed for the plans he has for me and my family and our lives. and then i just asked. out loud. i just said it. "lord, i want to be pregnant. please, let me get pregnant." and in that moment, for the first time i can ever remember, i heard him say, "you are." uh, it brings tears to my eyes just to type that. i was stunned. i might have even looked around. but i was at peace.
shortly after, i heard co-workers walking by. i knew cindy and jewellan had been down at the pond near by, but it was so perfectly quiet, i had forgotten. they quietly walked by, and then we all met back up for lunch.
at the end of the retreat, i had to leave about 20 min. before it was over. we were in the middle of a prayer session, but i had to drive back to lexington to get C from school. i didn't get to say goodbye to anyone, but also knew that my afternoon was a little "different", so i was ok with keeping quiet. i was thinking about Acts 1:7. it is not for me to know. but i was also clinging to those 2 little words. "you are". they kept ringing over and over in my head. "i am?"
that night cindy sent me a text asking how my days was? and then she dropped the bomb. "you are going to get pregnant soon. i sensed that today!!" WHAT?? are you kidding me? i believed her. i really did. but at the same time, i was afraid to walk down that path. i have had 12 months of heart break. 12 months of negative tests. 12 months of getting my hopes up, only to be disappointed. i didn't want to go there again...
i told shaun about my day, what God had had said to me, and that was it. only him. he already knew i was crazy...;)
a few days later i went to the doctor. i already had an appointment scheduled, since it had been a year since the miscarriage, and we talked about they "next steps". a year is usually the point where your doctor starts talking about tests. tests about your fertility. tests about your partners fertility. the possibly of this or that. basically, i left the appointment totally discouraged. sad that we had to start walking down that path. and not ready. i remember one night, sitting in my neighbors car for an hour, crying, and telling her everything that had been going on for the past year. once i left and came home, shaun was sitting on the back porch and the tears came again. "what do we do? do we have these tests run? do we wait another month? i just wish i was already pregnant so that we didn't even have to walk do this road..."
well....
on oct. 1st i took a test. and it was positive. and i was pregnant. I WAS PREGNANT!! I WAS PREGNANT!! oh. my. gosh. i really heard god. GOD! and cindy was right. whoa. i'm a little stunned, and over the moon, and scarred.
what if i have another miscarriage? what if i lose this baby too?
on my desk calendar, the verse for oct. 1st was Psalm 85:1 "Lord, you have poured out amazing blessings!"
once again, i asked for prayer. i let my closest friends know and asked for lots of prayer during blood work and doctors appointments.
i also shared with a few people how i heard from God the day of our retreat. when i told cindy, she asked where i was when i heard him. when i told her, she in turn told me that she saw me laying on that bench and thats when she heard God tell her that i would be pregnant soon. isn't that amazing? God is amazing. He hears us and He speaks to us. and He spoke to cindy and i at the same time! wow. that still shocks me today.
well, as you may know, for our christmas cards this year, we got to include this picture announcing that C was going to be a big sister!
we are beyond blessed right now. we find out in 2 days if you are a boy or a girl, and your big sister asks about "her baby" everyday.
there are so many times i didn't understand why God had us wait so long for you. but i know now that He had some other plans for us. your daddy and i grew closer during this time that any other year in our marriage. your big sister grew up, and transitioned into a big girl, or "big sister" role. mommy started a part-time job so that i would have more time with you and your sister, once you came. daddy started a new job closer to home. and mommy learned that nothing can be done without Christ. that no matter how much you long for something, God has the complete control. and when i learned that asking for help wasn't a bad thing, and not having control was the best for everyone, i found peace. and then, i found out about you. my sweet little one. i can feel you moving around inside of me as i finish this up. you, little one, are a gift from God. just like your sweet sister and loving daddy are.
you are a miracle little one. and we can't wait to meet you.
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