Monday, August 31, 2009

came and went

i knew it would. i knew that aug. 29th would come and pass just like any other day. but i was still REALLY hopeful that it would be a day of new beginnings. but alas, it wasn't. in fact, the whole weekend came and went. and now i'm sitting at work, pretending to work. (although i think everyone around me knows i'm really not.)

it's a weird feeling knowing that the day our baby was suppose to arrive has passed. for so long, aug. 29th seemed sooooo far away. now, it kind of feels like i did something wrong. like i missed some kind of deadline for a project or overslept for an exam. i keep thinking, "what do i do now?" i know that it's totally normal for a baby to be overdue, it's still just a weird feeling.

and plus, i can't focus on anything but the baby coming. every pain, every movement the baby makes has me thinking, "this could be it!" but it's just little bc getting cozy again. i guess in a way i'm not really surprised. staying in bed when i'm warm and cozy is one of my favorite things to do. i hate that feeling when the alarm clock goes off and i can't snooze any longer. if this child is anything like its mother, i could be pregnant for another 2 weeks!

i read this morning that "a watched pot never boils" so i need to keep myself busy and try not to focus on the baby being late. how the HECK am i suppose to do that? i'm expecting my first baby! and i don't know if it's a boy or a girl! and i don't know exactly when it's coming! and i've been playing this waiting game for 9 months! and i'm excited and scared and ready and nervous! i keep thinking, "i'm not ready to be a mom" while simultaneously thinking "if i'm not a mom by the end of the week, i'm going to loose it!!!" uuhhh....breathe jade, breathe. =)

i'm thankful for the wonderful pregnancy i've had so far. i'm thankful for shauny and how great and caring and sweet he continues to be. he is so ready to be a dad and i'm thankful that god brought us together almost 4 years ago, and now we are about to be parents together. he told me the other day that i'm one of the most even tempered persons he knows. i'm trying to maintain that these days. i'm trying to focus on everything good around me and not focus on my tardy baby. i know that bc will come out when they're ready.

just take your time little one. mommy doesn't like to be rushed or pressured either....

Friday, August 28, 2009

does he know something i don't?

kona. he's our pre-kid. he's the one that we show pictures of and talk about when others talk about how funny or cute or bad their kids are. we share stories about kony.

but lately kona has been acting a little different. not necessarily bad, just different. basically, this is what he does when just he and i are together.

he just lays there. and stares at me. and whines at me. and it's not the "i need to go out" whine or the "pay attention to me" whine. it's kind of like an "are you OK?" whine. does my hairy four-legged pre-kid know something i don't?

since i've been pregnant, kona and i have formed a bit of a routine. he's been closer to me when he's not distracted by a walk or going to the park. but it's been more intense lately. every morning he sits right under my feet while i eat breakfast. and most mornings he lays right outside the bathroom door while i shower. and then moves to outside the other bathroom door while i put on make-up. always near by and always just staring at me. i've recently nicknamed him the "corner creeper" because he just pokes his head around corners and stares at me. as if to make sure i'm OK. is this weird? am i imagining this? maybe. but maybe my aussie is smarter than i think. i'm interested to see how he reacts when labor comes. maybe he'll be the calmest one there, because he already knew....

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

my new best friend

pregnancy is one of those things that you think about and plan for, but are never quite 100% ready for. i guess that's most things in life. that is most likely going to be parenthood. but right now i'm in pregnancy-hood and one thing i was not ready for was fatigue! it hit me like a TON of bricks in the beginning. i was sleeping all the time, anywhere i could. in the very beginning when we weren't ready for the general public to know i was pregnant, i slept in my car on lunch breaks. that's right, it was january. but i parked in the sun, used my wool jacket as a warm blankie and snoozed for about 40 min. everyday! i had to. it was for survival!

then came tri-mester 2. so easy. so nice. sometimes i honestly forgot i was pregnant. my belly was growing but i was fine. sleeping well and the tiredness was gone.

then came tri-mester 3. and my heavy eyelids returned. not only am i carrying around a 7 lb child, but i've gained weight. yes, i've gained weight. too much weight. so....i'm not sleeping well at night. i'm getting up to pee 3 and 4 times a night. and i'm tired. really tired.

and then came along my new best friend. i got sucked in by a free coupon and have never looked back. i visit my best friend in moderation, but everytime i do i am blissfully reminded of how wonderful our relationship is. it lifts my mood and opens my eyes. i love my new best friend, and i can tell it loves me too.

Monday, August 24, 2009

not today...

you know that feeling you get when you're about to take a long awaited vacation? you have been planning and preparing and you know that a week away from work is soooo close. it's just about the only thing you can think about. or, that feeling you got the week before your wedding? back in 2006, it was july 21st. and almost every thought of every day revolved around that day. i knew it was going to be the most amazing day of my life and i was going to start an amazing adventure with the man i loved.

the thing about vacations and weddings is that you know the day the adventure will begin. you have it marked on your calendar and when that day circled in red is here, you wake up ready to hit the road! now, imagine preparing and planning for that day, but not knowing exactly when it's coming. every morning you wake up and think, "is today the day?" or "crap! i thought for sure we would have left sometime in the night!" well, I'M THERE!! i'm here! just waiting. getting up every morning and going to work like usual, but sitting at my desk wondering, "will i be here tomorrow?" and you would think that this thought would motivate me to get as much done as possible in preparation for my departure. but it doesn't. i can't focus. i'm constantly thinking about being off FOR 2 MONTHS!! i'm constantly reading stuff online, looking at baby announcements options, and blogging!

and you know how right before you leave for vacation you think, "i can't eat that! i've got to put on a bathing suit in 4 days!" or how you can easily pass on that donut right before you get married because you think "i'm about to have a million pictures taken of my on the most important day of my life! passing up that donut is TOTALLY worth it!" well, here's what's going on in my crazy head! "when this baby comes, i am back on the weight watchers train! but until bc gets here, i'm going to live it up! and bc might be here tomorrow, so i might as well have a donut for breakfast and a blizzard after dinner because soon i won't be eating either!" and you might be thinking, that's not so bad. but what if that has been your frame of mind for the past 2 weeks?!? i'm going to have a 12 pound baby at this rate!!

ok, ok. i sound like a crazy person. a crazy pregnant lady who will forget about all this nonsense soon because i will be a different kind of crazy. but right now, i have a problem. an impatiently-waiting-can't-stop-eating-sweets kind of problem. this is normal, right?

Saturday, August 22, 2009

the one

i live with my best friend. i live with a person that i want to spend almost every free moment i have. i live with a wonderful man. yes, i've lived with him for the past three years, but i've been thinking more and more about "us" lately. we are about to embark on a new journey and a new chapter of our life together. i sometimes do think of our life together as a book. and i know that there was A LOT that happened before our book started, but right now our book is the main one i'm thinking about. and the first part of our book was all about us. no one else. yes, we got a dog and bought a house, so those were interesting aspects of our book, but we were still the main characters. but soon, someone new will be entering our story. and like every good book, our book is only going to get better with time. but, these upcoming chapters wouldn't be possible without the beginning of the book. and that's what i've been thinking about.

we are at such a wonderful time in our life and i look at shaun and appreciate him more and more these days. i see how excited he is about having a baby and i can't wait to witness him as a dad. i've realized more than ever over these past 9 months how shaun really does love me no matter what. i've had a great pregnancy, but i have still had the typical "pregnancy moments". bursting into tears VERY unexpectedly, flying off the handle about nothing at all and changing my outfit just as we are walking out the door. and every time he patiently waits, consoles my unexplained tears, and forgets my crazy rants.

we have laughed so much lately. we have spent a lot of time together and we have grown in our marriage. we have learned more about each other and i have realized that there is no one else in the world i would want to do this with. i don't think he's the one, i know he's the one! and i can't wait to see what our next chapter will bring.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

trying to understand

i've been trying to think about what my next entry would be about. i've thought - do i want it to be more about who i am, or about my thoughts on having a baby soon? or do i want it to be something funny and light-hearted? but then i thought, what am i thinking about the majority of the day? that's what my entry should be about. my thoughts and what has them captured on a day to day basis. right now, it's elliott. elliott o'neil warning. the precious 2 1/2 pound baby girl of my best friend.

being 39 weeks pregnant, i haven't had the pleasure of meeting this little baby who is currently residing in a NICU in nashville, tn. but i have honestly never felt closer to a newborn baby before her. i have to say - thank goodness for facebook! she was born at only 28 weeks. cami got pregnant about 3 months after i did and has already welcomed her baby into the world. she is so tiny. but she is so strong. i saw video this morning of her sucking on a pacifier. it was the most amazing thing i've ever seen. her little chest and stomach were working so hard, it amazed me that she was even able to do it. she is truly a miracle and i am so proud of cami for creating and protecting such a perfect little being.

seeing little elliott does make me think about the little miracle inside of me. i wonder if bc (baby cook) will have to be a fighter at some point in their life. will it be in the beginning, sometime down the road, or will my baby ever have to go through something like elliott? and if not, how did we get so fortunate? i have quite a few people in my life right now that have difficulties in one way or another when it comes to having a baby. and even in the most amazing and joyful time of my life, i mourn and pray for these dear friends. i wonder why god hasn't blessed them with what they so eagerly desire. i wonder why this process has been so easy and smooth for shaun and i, but is bumpy for so many others. i try NOT to wonder down the road of what could come, but i do wonder if things in our life are too good to be true. and i wonder what god has in store for these families. he knows our every thought and all our desires. why are we left in the dark on his?

trust. i just have to trust. i just have to trust and remind myself that god has his plan. he has always had a plan. and it's not like his plan is going wrong and we have to wait until he figures out a new one. it's HIS plan. and although we are sometimes left in the dark, it's still a good plan. the best plan there ever was. it was his plan for elliott to come 12 weeks early. it was his plan for shaun and i to get pregnant so quickly. it was his plan to take little babies to heaven, and it is his plan to bring a heavenly home to little babies in need. and although some of those plans sound insane and crazy to me, i am trusting in his plan. he has never failed me, even though i fail him everyday. and he has never been wrong, even though my mind can't always comprehend how he's been right.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. - Jeremiah 29:11

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

what am I doing?

i've seen blogs. i've read blogs. i've been pretty interested by other people's blogs. but i never really considered being a "blogger". (doesn't everyone who starts a blog say that?) but today i more than considered it, i have started it. i am blogging. not for anyone in particular. in fact, i'm considering not even publicizing my blogging to anyone. i just decided that i have a lot on my mind and my plate right now. i have a lot of things to think about and to think through. i thought starting a blog could be helpful for myself. and if i let others know about this blog, it could be funny or interesting to them. we'll see. i might bomb at this. but i figured i would at least try.

so, i'm looking forward. i decided on this title for two reasons. 1- i want to be a "looking forward" type of person. now, i'm all about living in the moment and appreciating what i have and what is around me. but i know that in a way, this is who i already am. i like to look forward and i like thinking about what is to come. not living in the past and thinking about what could have been. worrying about what could have been is not for me. i don't want to live my life like that because to me, that is not living.

reason 2- i have A LOT to look forward to right now. i am less than 2 weeks away from my due date. we don't know what we are having and this is our first baby. (yikes!) i am so looking forward to meeting the newest cook. i am looking forward to knowing if we are having a son or a daughter. i'm looking forward to seeing if our baby looks more like shaun or myself. i'm looking forward to holding and touching and smelling and loving our newest addition. i'm looking forward to no longer being pregnant...

and that's what i figured this blog would mostly be about. our new baby. my attempts at being a new mom. my lack of sleep and my overflow of love. my need for advice and my attempts at giving it. i think this blog is going to keep track of things i can't remember and maybe don't want to, but i think it will be good. i think i will enjoy this time of writing out my thoughts, my prayers, my faults and my joys.

so here it is. my first one. my first attempt at being a blogger. my first entry in a journal i share with the world. or maybe just shaun...