trying to understand

i've been trying to think about what my next entry would be about. i've thought - do i want it to be more about who i am, or about my thoughts on having a baby soon? or do i want it to be something funny and light-hearted? but then i thought, what am i thinking about the majority of the day? that's what my entry should be about. my thoughts and what has them captured on a day to day basis. right now, it's elliott. elliott o'neil warning. the precious 2 1/2 pound baby girl of my best friend.

being 39 weeks pregnant, i haven't had the pleasure of meeting this little baby who is currently residing in a NICU in nashville, tn. but i have honestly never felt closer to a newborn baby before her. i have to say - thank goodness for facebook! she was born at only 28 weeks. cami got pregnant about 3 months after i did and has already welcomed her baby into the world. she is so tiny. but she is so strong. i saw video this morning of her sucking on a pacifier. it was the most amazing thing i've ever seen. her little chest and stomach were working so hard, it amazed me that she was even able to do it. she is truly a miracle and i am so proud of cami for creating and protecting such a perfect little being.


seeing little elliott does make me think about the little miracle inside of me. i wonder if bc (baby cook) will have to be a fighter at some point in their life. will it be in the beginning, sometime down the road, or will my baby ever have to go through something like elliott? and if not, how did we get so fortunate? i have quite a few people in my life right now that have difficulties in one way or another when it comes to having a baby. and even in the most amazing and joyful time of my life, i mourn and pray for these dear friends. i wonder why god hasn't blessed them with what they so eagerly desire. i wonder why this process has been so easy and smooth for shaun and i, but is bumpy for so many others. i try NOT to wonder down the road of what could come, but i do wonder if things in our life are too good to be true. and i wonder what god has in store for these families. he knows our every thought and all our desires. why are we left in the dark on his?


trust. i just have to trust. i just have to trust and remind myself that god has his plan. he has always had a plan. and it's not like his plan is going wrong and we have to wait until he figures out a new one. it's HIS plan. and although we are sometimes left in the dark, it's still a good plan. the best plan there ever was. it was his plan for elliott to come 12 weeks early. it was his plan for shaun and i to get pregnant so quickly. it was his plan to take little babies to heaven, and it is his plan to bring a heavenly home to little babies in need. and although some of those plans sound insane and crazy to me, i am trusting in his plan. he has never failed me, even though i fail him everyday. and he has never been wrong, even though my mind can't always comprehend how he's been right.


For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. - Jeremiah 29:11