Tuesday, November 24, 2009

mondays on tuesdays - faith

well, it is not my intention to only post once a week and have every entry called "mondays on tuesdays", but that seems to be what happened here. oh well.

my monday this week was again different than most mondays will be. i had to work. most weeks i will have mondays off, but this week i have thursday and friday off for thanksgiving, so i worked yesterday. my monDAY was nothing to blog about. i did try to leave for lunch and my car started smoking and smelling of burnt rubber. i broke a belt. whatev. i've only had this car FOR 2 MONTHS! but i don't feel like blogging about that. i would like to think about that as little as possible!

so, monday night. i have an aunt and uncle that live here in town and 2 cousins that grew up here but have now moved to new york and colorado. tricia (the one in NY) and lizzie (the one in CO) were in town and we had a wonderful last minute thanksgiving dinner last night because lizzie left to go back to CO this morning, only to jump a plane to uganda next week. she works for YWAM (youth with a mission) and is always off to wonderful places to spread the good news of Jesus. for her to jump on a plane and head out is nothing unusual for our family to hear.
lizzie is leading that life i dreamt about living but never felt "called" to. she was called. and she goes to crazy places at crazy times. but as we were remembering last night, lizzie has the amazing talent to be very close to disaster, but far enough away to stay safe.


1- going to azerbaijan right after 9/11.

2- being in thailand when that disastrous tsunami hit in 2004.

3- being in taiwan when that crazy typhoon hit earlier this year.

4- living in colorado and working for YWAM when a shooter killed 2 people on another YWAM base is CO only about 10 miles from her base.

like i said- she's close, but always safe. so, i worry about her, but i have faith that god sends her to these places and he will keep her safe while she is there.

it makes me wonder how people live without faith. so many things that i put my faith in have the basis of god to keep them strong. my marriage. i have "faith" in my marriage, but my marriage is based in god so i first had faith that god would provide me with shaun and we would devote ourselves to each other forever. i have "faith" that the sun will rise each morning. i know the earth and sun are god's creation and i have faith that he will continue to provide sunshine. i need this faith to help me through the day. i need faith to help me through my nights.

i need little reminders that encourage me to keep my faith strong. I know that times will come and uncertainty will strike, but my faith will get me through. my faith is going to be all i have somedays. and although my faith isn't being tested right now, i need to remember how important it is so that in times of trouble i know it's there.

Faith: you know you're gonna live through the rain

Lord you got to keep the faith

Faith: don't you let your love turn to hate

Right now we've got to

Keep the faith

Keep the faith

Keep the faith

Lord we got to keep the faith

~Bon Jovi

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

mondays on tuesdays

i am VERY fortunate to have every monday off right now to spend at home with my baby girl. so, i've decided that on tuesdays i will blog about my mondays. i know it seems like i should be blogging when i'm off and at home, but it's not as easy as you think. (ie: why i only blogged once when i was on maternity leave and that was before shaun went back to work.)

well, this monday was hopefully different than future mondays will be. sunday morning i was woken up by a little baby cough over the monitor. i didn't think much of it because caroline does cough and sneeze here and there. dr. mack (our pediatrician) said that's normal for babies. but as the day went on, the cough continued. and her breathing became louder. so, sunday night shaun and i decided i would call the dr. in the morning and take her in. we put her down for the night around 9:30 and we headed to bed about an hour or so later. then at 1am i woke up to more coughing. i picked her up to pat the cough away, but shortly after i would put her back down she would cough again. i went to go lay in bed when the coughing quieted for awhile, but then laid there awake wondering if she was breathing. i'm sure she is. right? i got up probably 3 times before i just decided to sleep in her room. what? that's right. i just couldn't help but lay down in bed and wonder if she was breathing. but if i slept in her room i would be able to hear her. THANKFULLY we have a recliner in her room. so, i grabbed my pillow and a blanket and settled in.

now, if i was an outsider i would totally be thinking "overreacter!". but i have a friend with a 3 month old. her baby got rsv which is a common and can be very dangerous sickness in babies. she laid him down for a nap one afternoon and then later had trouble waking him up. uh. i just kept thinking about that. i didn't know what was going on with her. i've never had a baby let alone one with a cough, snotty nose and loud breathing! so, in an attempt to get some sleep i slept in her room. all night i was reassured by her heavy breathing. i know it would have been better if her breathing wasn't labored, but at least there was breathing to be labored. i've never felt like i did that night. there was no question in my mind that i was suppose to be anywhere else but in that chair. and not one time was i upset or annoyed that i was sleeping there. honestly i was thankful. thankful that granny gave us that rocking recliner for caroline's room. =)

so, my monday. i took her to dr. mack in the morning and he said she was fine. she had just picked up a little cold, but it wasn't bad at all. there wasn't even any medicine to give. just use some saline drops, clear out her nose and use a humidifier at night. easy stuff. as long as she doesn't run a fever, she will be fine. so we went to the gap, and then went home. she was a happy sweet baby all day. she even wanted me to take her picture and send it to daddy to reassure him she was OK and feeling better.

but i keep thinking about sunday night. the fear that took over me when i thought something might really be wrong with her. the reaction to go sleep in her room and the fact that i didn't even question it. i've heard stories of mom's sleeping with their babies or sleeping in their rooms and i have to admit i always thought that sounded crazy. but when i thought something might really be wrong with my baby and that she might stop breathing while i was comfy in my bed, what other option did i have? i woke up with every sound she made. i laid there and watched her to make sure her little chest was moving when i couldn't hear her breathes. i got almost no sleep at all, but still managed to function all day monday, until shaun got home from work. honestly, i didn't even notice that i was tired until he was there.

i've come to the conclusion that i have a new super power that i was unaware of. one that hadn't been tapped into until caroline was born. it's a power that probably every mom knows about, but doesn't know how to explain. or has never bothered to explain because it came so naturally it didn't seem weird. it's the power to function on no sleep and love every minute of it because you know your baby is ok. i've heard that mom's had super powers but now i understand. and i'm sure that i'll discover other powers along the way. and i anticipate using this power many more times in the future.

and yes, i would like a cape. a green one of course...

Friday, November 13, 2009

an update! (happy shaun?)

what a whirlwind! i feel like it was just yesterday that i was sitting at this desk, blogging about how i can't wait to have a baby! and now 10 weeks have passed and i have blogged once. but it's not like anyone really reads this. just shaun. he asks me weekly when i'm going to blog again. well here you go shauny, i'm bloggin'!

well as you can imagine, as a new mother, things have been busy. but, things have been wonderful. every morning starts early, but starts with the sweet smile of my baby girl.

i am now back at work, so that smile means the world to me. it helps me know that she remembers me and loves me, even though i can't be with her all day like i have been for the past 9 1/2 weeks. of course, i know that going back to work is way harder for me than it is her. i doubt she fully understands what has happened. but, i still worry that she won't recognize me when i pick her up. silly? i don't care. i can't help it. she has been my world for the past 10 weeks, and now i'm away from her for 8 hours a day! 8 hours! and those 8 hours are the best hours too. she is happy and smiley after each bottle. and effortlessly falls asleep in my arms once she is done "playing". she talks and coos while i'm changing her diaper. and i have been able to witness every milestone so far. now i can't help but wonder what i'm missing at this moment. or i can't help but think about what she is doing. is she sleeping? eating? crying? laughing? all those things i miss.

the bright side to all of this is that she is mine FOREVER!!! of course i miss my baby. that is to be expected. i just have to focus on the fact that i get to see her everyday no matter what, even if it's only for a short period of time. everyday i get to hold her and kiss her and love her forever and ever.

i'm so thankful for the time that i had off. i'm thankful that i got to be home and witness everything that happened in her first 10 weeks of life. i still can't believe sometimes that i was fully responsible for a newborn baby. that anything and everything that she needed had to be provided by me. i was her life line. and still am. that is a crazy concept when you think about it. i created and carried a human. and now she is my responsibility forever. wow. wow. it just goes to show how amazing god is. i mean, it's really all him. i did carry caroline for 9 months, but god formed her in my womb. he kept me safe so that i could protect her. he created me 28 years ago knowing that this is what i would do and he made it possible. he gave me the strength and patience and love to pour out on my daughter. he gave me the greatest gift i've ever been given next to shaun. i am truly in love.