i've told this story to a few people, and everyone that hears it quickly responds with how i need to journal it all. and i totally agree. i don't want to forget the details. i don't want to forget how i felt. and i want to make sure you know your story too. and how you were destined by God at just the right time.
this will be a wordy post. mostly for our family to look back on some day. but i hope it can bring encouragement and hope to you too.
in august 2011 we found out i was pregnant. we were excited, but surprised because we weren't really "trying". it was a month before C turned 2, and that was our goal date of trying for baby #2. i took the test on a saturday morning. by saturday night i had started spotting. worried and afraid, we prayed. and prayed. on monday i went to the dr. and had blood work done. we had to wait until wednesday for more blood work to show if my hormone levels had gone up. if they had doubled, the spotting was nothing to worry about. if they didn't, i was miscarrying. they went up by 9. by the weekend, i was loosing the baby. my heart was broken.
i prayed for understanding and found comfort in knowing that God has a reason for everything. i didn't know why this had happened, but i knew God did. i was comforted by a Psalm 18:1-3 "I love you, O Lord, my strength. The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn or my salvation, my stronghold. I call to the Lord, who is worthy of praise and I am saved from my enemies."
in september we celebrated C's 2nd birthday, then my 30th, and decided that we were ready to start really trying for #2. then october. then november. then december. then january. and so it went until may. i was drained. i couldn't do it anymore. i needed a break, and the summer seemed like the right time. so i started taking birth control again. to some, that probably sounds weird. but i needed a mental break, and this was the only way i knew. we prayed through it and felt confident that this was the right decision for all of us. for our marriage and for our family. in august, i stopped taking birth control. then, another month passed. and i still wasn't pregnant....
i was so drained.... i know that for a lot of people, getting pregnant isn't easy. but for me, it had been. we got pregnant with C the first month we tried. and the 2nd pregnancy just happened. so why was it taking so long when i was ready? when it was something i thought about non-stop? when my desire was so strong?
it hit me one day during a staff meeting. we were asked what we could pray for each other about. and for some reason, when it was asked this week, i knew exactly what i needed to ask for. the one thing i wanted so badly, and the one thing i hadn't asked ANYONE to pray for. why had i done that? why was i taking the burden all on my own? was i too good to ask for prayer? did i think it wouldn't help? was getting pregnant something i had control over? was i ashamed that it was taking so long? i'm honestly not 100% sure. very few people knew about the miscarriage, so i think part of asking stemmed from that. i didn't want to go into it all. i didn't want to start crying. i felt like it was something between only me and shaun. he and i prayed about it a lot. wasn't that enough?
it wasn't. so i told the whole story. i cried and people understood. i asked for healing from the miscarriage, and i asked for prayer to get pregnant. point blank. i want another baby. i want to be pregnant. please, pray for me.
it was humbling. and God was unfolding his truth to me. he was showing me that relying on myself, even for a private matter like this, was not the answer. He was the only answer. and being proud was not of Him.
on september 19th, our staff went on a day retreat. it was a day of renewal and prayer. and, as it had been for the past 12 months, my heart was heavy with the desire to be pregnant. we were given instructions throughout the morning of different ways to pray. during the first prayer time i was led to a verse in Acts. Acts 1:7 "It is not for you to know the times or dates that the Fathers has set by his own authority." that was a verse i needed to hear. God has perfect timing. he has control and i don't always need to know the timeline. during another hour of alone time, i found a bench, away from everyone, and just laid down. and prayed. prayed for the plans he has for me and my family and our lives. and then i just asked. out loud. i just said it. "lord, i want to be pregnant. please, let me get pregnant." and in that moment, for the first time i can ever remember, i heard him say, "you are." uh, it brings tears to my eyes just to type that. i was stunned. i might have even looked around. but i was at peace.
shortly after, i heard co-workers walking by. i knew cindy and jewellan had been down at the pond near by, but it was so perfectly quiet, i had forgotten. they quietly walked by, and then we all met back up for lunch.
at the end of the retreat, i had to leave about 20 min. before it was over. we were in the middle of a prayer session, but i had to drive back to lexington to get C from school. i didn't get to say goodbye to anyone, but also knew that my afternoon was a little "different", so i was ok with keeping quiet. i was thinking about Acts 1:7. it is not for me to know. but i was also clinging to those 2 little words. "you are". they kept ringing over and over in my head. "i am?"
that night cindy sent me a text asking how my days was? and then she dropped the bomb. "you are going to get pregnant soon. i sensed that today!!" WHAT?? are you kidding me? i believed her. i really did. but at the same time, i was afraid to walk down that path. i have had 12 months of heart break. 12 months of negative tests. 12 months of getting my hopes up, only to be disappointed. i didn't want to go there again...
i told shaun about my day, what God had had said to me, and that was it. only him. he already knew i was crazy...;)
a few days later i went to the doctor. i already had an appointment scheduled, since it had been a year since the miscarriage, and we talked about they "next steps". a year is usually the point where your doctor starts talking about tests. tests about your fertility. tests about your partners fertility. the possibly of this or that. basically, i left the appointment totally discouraged. sad that we had to start walking down that path. and not ready. i remember one night, sitting in my neighbors car for an hour, crying, and telling her everything that had been going on for the past year. once i left and came home, shaun was sitting on the back porch and the tears came again. "what do we do? do we have these tests run? do we wait another month? i just wish i was already pregnant so that we didn't even have to walk do this road..."
on oct. 1st i took a test. and it was positive. and i was pregnant. I WAS PREGNANT!! I WAS PREGNANT!! oh. my. gosh. i really heard god. GOD! and cindy was right. whoa. i'm a little stunned, and over the moon, and scarred.
what if i have another miscarriage? what if i lose this baby too?
on my desk calendar, the verse for oct. 1st was Psalm 85:1 "Lord, you have poured out amazing blessings!"
once again, i asked for prayer. i let my closest friends know and asked for lots of prayer during blood work and doctors appointments.
i also shared with a few people how i heard from God the day of our retreat. when i told cindy, she asked where i was when i heard him. when i told her, she in turn told me that she saw me laying on that bench and thats when she heard God tell her that i would be pregnant soon. isn't that amazing? God is amazing. He hears us and He speaks to us. and He spoke to cindy and i at the same time! wow. that still shocks me today.
well, as you may know, for our christmas cards this year, we got to include this picture announcing that C was going to be a big sister!
we are beyond blessed right now. we find out in 2 days if you are a boy or a girl, and your big sister asks about "her baby" everyday.
there are so many times i didn't understand why God had us wait so long for you. but i know now that He had some other plans for us. your daddy and i grew closer during this time that any other year in our marriage. your big sister grew up, and transitioned into a big girl, or "big sister" role. mommy started a part-time job so that i would have more time with you and your sister, once you came. daddy started a new job closer to home. and mommy learned that nothing can be done without Christ. that no matter how much you long for something, God has the complete control. and when i learned that asking for help wasn't a bad thing, and not having control was the best for everyone, i found peace. and then, i found out about you. my sweet little one. i can feel you moving around inside of me as i finish this up. you, little one, are a gift from God. just like your sweet sister and loving daddy are.
you are a miracle little one. and we can't wait to meet you.